Heaven & Hell

I was disciplined and moulded in my childhood with the stories of heaven and eternal hell. I guess many of us have been indoctrinated by the same philosophy and stories. It was by some sheer chance, call it luck, and twist of what I shall also call fate, destiny, kismet etc that I managed to break those shackles and constrictions that entangled me within till my mid teens. Interesting readings from the British Council and the Public Libraries in Thiruvananthapuram were to a good extent instrumental in that. Then, if not more of the same proportion was the influence of life since those times.

The result, I have lived the past three and one half decades or so without the fear of eternal damnation and consignment to everlasting inferno of the hell in the afterlife. And also of no fantasy of the promised and probable land of milk honey, damsels and charming gods- heaven!

Life was so long lived without tethering to the good and bad that would provide a passport to  either heaven or the nether world. Deeds that can invite damnation and transgressions may have been committed. But at the same while, deeds with the sole aim of a passport to heaven have not been done for its own sake. Because I have not found a reason that can be explained to believe or think that there are worlds beyond that fit the descriptions of heaven and hell. And that the essence and spirit of those worlds are all lived through here on this fragile “Blue Planet”.

I happened to read today an article from an old magazine. The article carried some observations and comments by the late Rajaneesh.  He said “Whenever you surrendered to existence, whenever you live in trust and love, joy, celebration you are in heaven………. because at the same time the person who  lives in heaven can fall into hell any moment. They are not afar, they are very close, separated by a tattered fence. And for centuries God and Devil have been arguing over who should repair it. The Devil is not ready, why should he worry over it? Nobody wants to enter hell.And if it is God’s worry that people in hell may enter heaven he should fix the fence. But God is a miser and the quarrel and argument goes on. One day God was very irritated that he said 'the fence has been destroyed and is under repair because of your nuisance and of the people living on your side. If you don’t repair it I’ m going to court'.

The Devil said, 'ha go to court but where will you find advocates. They are all on my side of the fence'. The Devil continued, 'hell is a state of mind, when you live in plenty yet you live in poverty, when life is such a blessing you live in sadness, when the flowers bloom you don’t see, you don’t bloom, when the stars shine you don’t shine. When the clouds are in the sky floating in freedom you don’t enjoy the freedom. When the Cuckoo calls from the distant wood you are deaf, when the peacock dances you don’t dance. This is hell and you are its creator' ”.

Interesting indeed!

This reminds me of an incident and comment of the late Kerry Francis Packer the Australian media tycoon. Mr. Packer had had more than six heart attacks that he survived before eventually succumbing to renal complications. Once, after a very massive heart attack he was clinically dead for more than six minutes. He, luckily was revived, and while he was convalescing a media reporter asked him how it was up there in heaven. Mr. Packer retorted nonchalantly, “well the sad thing is that I did not see heaven but at the same time there was no hell either”.

Rushdie,Krishnamurthy&The Incas

I was encompassed by ennui and lassitude the other day. And I tried to bring back the zest to read. There are quite a few buying of books that are untouched. And before I settled to stick to one I went through a couple other. The first one I browsed and read about thirty odd pages was the ‘Satanic Verses’ of Salman Ruhdie. I have never been a fan of his style of writing – what critics acclaim as “mystical magical realism etc etc ..”. It is true that he is immensely prolific with words and strange acrobatics in use of English language. But the reading of such a book in the state of boredom I was in was not encouraging to my state of mind. So I left the book marked at thirty plus page. The next one that came to my hand was a book, which I m certain will need a lot of patience and concentration to read.  For some it is a fad to claim having read him. And that they are bowled over in life, in words and deed by his writing and lectures.  I have read his "Commentaries on Living". And a few essays here and there. But regard his thoughts as something apart from the many nonsense we take as living and life.I glanced through the book of J. Krishnamurthy!

Interestingly a couple of question answer sections in the book proved to be live.

1-     What is prayer? In daily life, what is its importance?

Krishnamurthy replies, “I presume you really put that question in earnestness. Let us find out. Do not listen, but find out. Why do you pray and what is prayer? Most of your prayers are merely a petitioning, an asking. You indulge in this kind of prayer because you suffer, because you are alone, because you are depressed and in sorrow. You pray to God and ask for help; that is a petition, and that you call prayer. The content of prayer is generally the same although the intent behind it may vary. Prayer, with most people, is a petition, a begging, and asking. Are you doing that? Why are you praying? I am not saying you should or should not pray. But why do you pray? Is it for more knowledge, for more peace, for the world to be free from sorrow? Is there any other form of prayer than that? There is prayer which is really not a prayer but the sending out of good will, the sending out of love, and the sending out of ideas. Which is it you are doing”?
If your prayer is a supplication, a petition, then what happens? You are asking God or somebody to fill your empty bowl, are you not? You want that bowl to be filled according to your wishes. You are not satisfied with what happens, with what is given. So your prayer is merely a petition. It is a demand that you should be satisfied; therefore, your prayer is not prayer at all. You just want to be gratified, so you say to God, "I am suffering; please gratify me; please give me my brother, my son. Please make me rich." So, you are perpetuating your own demands. That is not prayer.
The real thing is to understand yourself, to see why you are asking, and not for what you are asking, to see why there is this demand in you, this urge to beg. Then you will find out that the more you know about yourself physically as well as psychologically - the more you know what you are thinking, what you are feeling - the more you will find out the truth of what is. It is that truth that will help you to be free and not beg.


2- Why does one feel the necessity of love?
Krishnamurthy- “You mean why do we have to have love? Why should there be love? Can we do without it? What would happen if you did not have this so-called love? If your parents began to think out why they love you, you might not be here. They might throw you out. They think they love you; therefore, they want to protect you, they want to see you educated; they feel that they must give you every opportunity to be something. This feeling of protection, this feeling of wanting you to be educated, this feeling that you belong to them is what they generally call love. Without it, what would happen? What would happen if your parents did not love you? You would be neglected, you would be something inconvenient, you would be pushed out, and they would hate you. So, fortunately, there is this feeling of love, perhaps clouded, perhaps besmirched and ugly, but there is still that feeling, fortunately for you and me; otherwise, you and I would not have been educated, would not exist”.

Did these passages show me the way out of ennui? Well interestingly it provoked thinking and that helped forget the stress and boredom for a time. And also I moved on to another book on “The Lost city of the Incas”.

Eulogy

Happiness and contentment are complimentary. What is happy and content for one need not be so for the other. Happiness and contentment is related to what we perceive as the state of physical and mental existence where and when we are not afraid of leaving the world and passing into history- death.

Yet not many leave the world in the sate I mentioned. Many fret and go with remorse, dissatisfaction and discontentment. For many it is the surfeit of want that predominate need which creates an unhappy and helpless end. Though our physical state is not entirely within our grasp and likeness while we are in the twilight days of our life, yet there is something that we recollect and see as the life we lived, and the moments we had which we never dreamt will be for us, to experience and relish- that gives the courage to depart in peace.

I write this as a brief eulogy to a person, a relative of mine. He was an unassuming person and with small beginnings and end. He, I felt during some twenty odd years of knowing him, was very soft spoken and unobtrusive that he may not have pained another soul, human or animal. He had his own share of penury, and hard times. Bringing up his three children with a subsistence level of income is not a wonderful experience to relish. But whenever I have been to him he has always uttered little jokes that would tickle smile and laugh from within me. One amusing comment of his has to be noted here to remember his tongue in cheek wit. He noticed some minor irritant between his son and daughter in law (son’s wife).He consoled his son with his facetious comment that, “Well we both made terrible mistakes. We both married from Kozhikode”!!!!! When the banter was in Malayalam the tone and essence was immensely amusing. (I m sure he meant no ill to the fairer gender from Kozhikode).

It was quite an amusement when I received on my "facebook" a friend request from him.I responded in the affirmative, and when I met him later I joked to him ,'uncle at last we are now friends'. In his later days he was an ardent social net worker on facebook. His nieces and nephews where his net working mates.He found subtle and effective ( I guess effective) ways to overcome his illness.

He was not false, fake and intrigue or connivance was not his world. Perhaps he was not ambitious enough to run after wealth and power. May be his chemistry was not meant for the scramble for such life. And since he was not so I guess he died peacefully in his sleep.

I have been well treated and kept in good humor by him whenever I was at his home. He used to bring out his quota of military supply of Rum to share with me. And crack subtle anecdotes and jokes. During his later part in life after affliction of cancer and slow but unsteady recuperation his children used to wag their fingers when he tried to drink a second glass of alcohol.

I met him at his daughter’s home, just a fortnight or so before he passed away. He was back from a weeklong trip to Goa, where his daughters took him for a family sojourn and fun time. That night, before dinner, I chose to be the bartender and offered him three drinks. When he mentioned the diktat of his children of limiting alcohol to one drink, I suggested, just ignore them and enjoy! Later he came to me, presumably in pleasure after the few drinks and said, “I had a wonderful time in Goa. And I have not ever dreamt or thought that I will be able to visit such places, and I'm very happy that my children took me there.I have no words to express my happiness. I will hold close to my heart the days I spend there with them”.

He died a few days after. And I m certain the little things that he found happiness like the short trip to Goa with his children is perhaps what would have seen him depart with a content heart. Perhaps his soul must be still reliving a life in Goa!

He, I feel showed that, one need not climb the pinnacle of power and wealth, need not cruise on the QE-II, race across Europe in a Porsche, and need not run around temples and churches ostentatiously proclaiming ones piety and sacrifice for the rest, but only have the heart and the mind to savor the little things that come ones way, and not hurt the ones who love you and leave the rest unhurt.. And I guess he did so.

Twenty Euros

Twenty Euros

One of the notable landmarks and locations in Amsterdam is the Dam square. The imposing gothic constructions adorn all sides, modern department stores, hotels, and pubs are scattered around. The summer palace of the Royalty cannot be missed! The Square is always thronged with tourists and the Dutch who always fancies outdoors on a sunny day. Pigeons have virtually taken over the middle of the square and the imposing old buildings around. Jugglers, ventriloquists, makeup-artists in various costumes, street performers, tramcars, and exotic horse carriages resembling the ancient especially add to the romantic air. The square itself overlooks the central Railway station just about a kilometer ahead. The Dam square bustles with life in the height of a summer day and cold rainy days. The fickle Amsterdam weather can one moment by warm and bright in the radiant sun and the next moment dreary cold and drizzling.

Further behind, once you enter the ubiquitous alleys by the side of those huge buildings, there is the famous tourist attraction- ‘the glasshouses’ and the nightclubs. The coffee shops frequented more for Marijuana and other light drugs that are legal in Holland are also about there. You can smell more of burning “grass’, than the cappuccino or the Columbian, burnt coffee. It is one of the liveliest of all foreign destinations. Not to forget the countryside which is simply laid back and exquisite

I described a bit of the square and its periphery to tell a very amusing and comical story, a joke that went practical. And when the person who was the center of the whole story told me, we laughed our guts out sitting in one of the pubs there in the Dam square. He was a Dutch gentleman in his late fifties and represented one of the garment brands in Amsterdam. He worked in Amsterdam but lived in a town called Breda some two hundred km by car from Amsterdam city. A summer weekend he and his wife drove down to Amsterdam and decided to hang around Dam square and the nearby wharf. They spent the good part of the day moving around, having occasional coffee, beer and popcorns. By late afternoon the gentleman was having rigid legs and he longed for the comfort of a pub or to park his arse somewhere. His wife was keen to do some shopping at the nearby  Bijenkorf department store. He was quite at odds with walking around supermarkets and department stores. So he told his wife that he will sit by the fountain ledge in the square feeding the pigeons while she shops at the store. Our hero sat by the fountain in the square. Sometime soon an escort girl came up to him and began to prospect. She told him that she can spend the day with him for one hundred Euros. Obviously, the girl took him for a tourist. Our gentleman friend, who by nature was a wisecracker, tried to play something funny and told her that one hundred Euros was too much for her and he can offer twenty Euros. The girl huffed and puffed before she went away in anger.

Sometime later our friend’s wife returned after her shopping and they began to walk back to the car park. And some way down the walkway they ran into the same escort girl. She came up to our hero and told him close in the face, pointing at his wife by his side, “this is what you will get for twenty Euros”.

Our middle-aged friend thence decided to be careful before he pulls a practical joke on someone.

The Eye

Eyes have been the subject of many poetic creations and fantasies.

And the bard said ‘beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’. This statement has been famously adopted by a late 

Professor of immense repute who held sway over literature in the University College Thiruvananthapuram and went on to become the Principal of Mahatma Gandhi College as well. My mother told me this interesting story. The Professor married a woman who had perhaps the most ungracious physical appearance. Whilst the professor himself was endowed with masculine charm and was very handsome. He was tall broad at the shoulders and well built .And the woman was lean, skinny and had an emaciated appearance. His friends were aghast at his selection of bride and the woman to be his wife. Because the physical appearance where not compatible to the onlooker. The Professor was queried on this matter and he retorted, “If my eyes were placed where your eyes are then you would have my opinion”. That is believed to have silenced the critical comments.

Few years ago the then Governor of the Reserve Bank of India Mr Rangarajan visited the town I live. There were a hoard of Bankers and Bank managers assembled at the venue where he was to deliver a lecture. The Governor touched on the topic of the attitude Bankers must have in a developing economy, and how they should temper their psyche to provide financial assistance to the marginalised and needy sections and entrepreneurs. He quoted an interesting anecdote.

A commoner approached a local Bank manager and pleaded for financial credit and assistance for his tiny business venture. The bank manager was dismissive of the plea and quite exasperated too. However the man was persevering and finally the manager had to relent and reach a decision. The manager said, “Alright I can provide you the loan you ask for, but you must answer my question correctly”. The manager continued, “One of my eyes is fake and is crystal eye ball. You will have to identify which eye is false and which is real”. The poor fellow looked the manger in the eyes and smiled. He said, “Sir your left eye is real and the right one is false”. The Manager was astonished as the judgement of the poor fellow was correct. He agreed to abide by his words. But he asked the man, “my dear friend could you tell me how you could tell correctly, as both my eyes are absolutely identical even though one has an implanted crystal eye ball, and even my wife at times cannot discern the fake from the real”.

The man said, "Sir I saw some compassion in one of your eyes and I decided that eye is real”.

The Past Week

I have read a couple of books of Albert Camus. "The Plague" and I remember reading some essay of his. That was long, long ago when reading was still part of the diet. I can just about recall some idea of his, and I guess he said that happiness is fleeting and human life and achievements are meaningless. And he also said that, “I can accept periods of unhappiness, because I know I will also experience happiness to come”.

I was scared of having to live here at home alone for the next one and half months. In fact I was not afraid but just scared! And having to live alone here when the emotional turmoil and strain with the crisis in the business front looming large was very disconcerting to say the least. Because when one is in such strainful times it is always comforting  to have someone around with whom one can  feel and speak and release the inflated  and suppressed thoughts, lest it ruptures with irreparable damage.

C has been complaining about some discomfort and went for a check up a few days back to a Gynaecologist in a reputed hospital in Coiamabatore. The doctor, a woman sent her through the scanning machine, x-rays etc etc, and decreed that she needs an immediate uterine surgery. The doctor persisted that C go back the next day for the surgery for uterine removal. Because she has vesicles or cysts in the uterine wall, and that is the cause for all her discomfort and occasional pain.

I was not too sure, and prevailed upon C to go to Thiruvananthapuram, as being there she would be with my sister and cousins and even a post operative recuperation would be quiet there. There I believed she would have at least someone to care her! And with the stressful time s here it was always wise that she keeps away if she has to undergo surgery, more because the convalescence period is one month. An added advantage of being in Thiruvananthapuram was that there is this efficient Gynaecologist and Obstetrician we know personally as well.

But for me the impending trauma was the prospect of having to spend one month and more in a kind of a solitary state with no one to be with, speak to. And the looming loneliness was ominous.

Back home in the evenings sitting alone at home with absolute loneliness as companion, and confinement, would be directly threatening one’s level of ‘break point’.

C went on the night train last Thursday. And I spent the night of Thursday preparing for the one month of loneliness. It was impossible to read, mind never listened, watching TV was nonsensical as there was nothing to glue on and I kept surfing channels. Whisky as I always have was limited and never fancies that as a companion when alone. And the night- sitting alone was dreadful. Thoughts were disturbing and distressing. I hit bed and slept long -mercifully indeed.

The second night Friday was not much different. I was tumults, tempest like and helpless. I just about forced myself to gather and hang on.But the comforting news from C who reached Thiruvanathapuram was that the doctor there gave her a clean chit and confirmed that it was not necessary to undergo surgery. And the anomaly or discomfort can be corrected through medication. Wonder on what the doc in Coiambatore based her decree for urgent surgery?

This was wonderful, for C not having to pull through the surgery and the post operative phase. And for me the threat of having to fear the loneliness for a month was distant and gone.

I realised how companionship or proximity of someone close can alleviate the turmoil in stressful times.

And as Camus said, “I can accept periods of unhappiness, because I know I will also experience happiness to come”.

The Historian

I have been quite good with the subject of history. And marks in school have been commendable. My mother as well studied history in college. And I’m still surprised by her memory of various dates and years that are special in history. You ask her the year of the battle of Plassey she has it in a second. Ask her the second battle of Pannipat she has it again in a trot. This was until a few years ago. I have not tested her faculty recently.

One of the best books on history that I read with the appetite of devouring a wonderfully crafted novel was Professor A.Sreedhara Menon’s “Kerala History”. The book was in Malayalam and I bought it a few decades ago from the Current Book house in Thiruvannathapuram, and I m now  trying to recall from the reading then.

It was easy reading and one’s interest was kept alive through the reading. The inquisitiveness was teased throughout the book. Compare this to Romilla Thaper's books. I recently bought  “Early India” and still have not covered much. Let me confess that I have no historical erudition to criticise or belittle Romila Thaper, and I m not indulging in that either.

The dawn of Christianity in Kerala, the Christians of Cannon who were given authority to settle in north of Cochin...... Professor Sreedhara Menon threw ample light into all those facets of early Kerala.

He details elsewhere in the book as to why and how households of Tamil Brahmins in Kerala and Tamilnad posses much gold in the form ancient jewellery . He attributed this to the fear of Moughal invasion of South India (Tamilnad). And as temples where then repositories of valuable metals and stones, the Brahmin priests where authorised to move the wealth from temples into their homes. Because the first place of attack and plunder by any marauding Muslim army were temples as they possessed much of the wealth of the kingdom. But the feared Moughal invasion did not take place, and the booty stayed with the Brahmin households.

History is written by the victor and only when a person with strong head, will, gut and spine who refuses to be pliable takes up to noting history like the late Professor Sreedhara Menon that people with academic interest and those of us impassioned about the past can relish history as a subject of research, fact finding and knowledge. Men with ideological leanings cannot truthfully document and judge history. They owe allegiance and have sold their conscience to the theory and ideology they profess. And in the process they wear blinkers and cannot be impartial judges, they can only be, as Professor Sreedhara Menon said ‘lawyers who collect materials to suit their theories’. And that is not history but a story.

It is typical of the communist psyche that the then communist government in Kerala declined to accept Professor Sreedhara Menon's  book on freedom movement in Kerala because he refused to know tow the official version. If Kerala history where to be written by a communist it is anybody’s   guess that it will be painted red, as it was done to the Punnapara uprising.

If history of Post Independence India has to be subjectively, and truthfully written for posterity it has to be by the likes of Professor Sreedhara Menon. Lest it will be history through the myopic and icteric eyes of a Congress man, a Hindu fanatic or a Red comrade.