I can remember well when I look back that till about five years ago the obituary column in the Malayalam manorama news paper was the least glanced.
But since then the page has become imperative and unavoidable. I involuntarily perhaps upon auto suggestion go through the photos that are inlaid of people who wandered way. In case I stumble upon familiar faces!
I mention this because increasingly over the past years the consciousness of the inevitability is always in the mind. There cannot be any days when I have not thought , “How many more to walk”? It is not paranoia, but consciousness of the brittleness of life itself. ”Young man rejoice in thy youth”(Anonymous), and how true it is !
Rewinding to twenty five years when the nights were longer than the days back in Ernakulam in BOSBIG, Am certain that neither did I nor would the rest of the folks, we made, seldom have thought about old age, death or the unknown bend around the corner.
But then why now?
An answer would be those twenty five years of life since has chastened ones consciousness... The hubris and audacity towards life that youthful times harbored has been vanquished by the harsh and pertinent realities of life.
Though I can cross my heart and say that my feet have always been well grounded and situations and happenings have never thrown me off my feet. (though personalities have, and I bear the burnt in many cases).
Those qualities have been eclipsed by helplessness, humility when I look up yonder at the night sky and realize what an insignificant star dust I’m. Above all sense of outrage at things, and events that happen around me, and I watch like a eunuch, and still when people trample me when I m down.
And then the sense, that still there is something more to do. That helpless understanding makes me insecure, uncertain – about the life ahead- how long?
This is when death shadow dances. It is not that death will not snow you under at a young age but wait for you to ripen and rust .
Today in an informal discussion with the Asst General Manager of my Bank, he was expressing his anguish over the demise of his little sister who died of cancer a few days ago. He lamented that it was unfair that she the youngest should succumb before the elders in her clan. I suggested that perhaps death does not discriminate. He I thought nodded but was not quite convinced at the impudence of fate and life.
So then, life has to move on sometimes ebbing gently, at times tumultuously but the brittleness of life has always to be remembered.
Though the poet sang for it, is it worth to ask for another chance? This world no longer harbors the gentle sparkle of the moon light nor does the eternal dew shower like pristine white plumes, nor is it enchanting anymore.
God made a stupid decision- he created man !