Reflections on a Sunday

 

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Often I question myself if I would follow the dotted line and the high plateau of correctness in thought, words and deed that I sometimes seem to shamelessly profess. Dishonestly, yes I do! And well, if so what alibi and excuse would I base my stand? I guess, a silent owning up of my infallibility and not so strong power of will of the mind. What in fact is sheepishly comforting is that there are many Jones next doors who would be my companions.

If someone ask me what is the quality that one must not have. I would say “self-pity”. And it is that one loses self-respect when one succumbs to its wiles. One is self-deluding when one cohabits with “self-pity”. And when I hear people condescending about self, honestly it nauseates and is repulsive. I guess I score here and often at my peril and distress. But there is pleasure to gain in the end that I have not sold out weakened. Or is it my ego?

Are we all conceited? I guess we are in our own ways. And the vain vanity that we have, we allege on even God as well. What else would explain the constant praise we shower on a Deity? The lauding we extend to a politician and his vulgar appetite for such lauding and adulation? But should I categories pleasure of recognition in the same genre? Yes, but is it not a part of us that is gored out when recognition does not come about?

Once, I happened to be in the office of a very wealthy business man from Kerala. He has a chain of ‘financial operations’ all over the country and virtually had hit the rainbow. I accompanied an acquaintance who was his chum and I was timidly seated in the fore room while he went in to meet his friend in the ante room. I saw , a host of books like The Bible, The Koran , The Gita and  some writings of mystics and spiritualists, that were laid out on the side table next to me .It, in fact gave me affair idea of the person cocooned inside!  And later day information about him proved me right. That was a vain way to impress upon the world his areas of interest which was not. 

A profoundly distressing situation it is when you are  loaned something by another, especially a friend (exceptions to the rule do exist, mercifully).A couple of years ago, during the turmoil I went through, I was short of a decent sum in funds. Budget and plan clearly determined that some capital had to be brought in for a short term to smoothen the cash/fund flow. Since the figure that was required was not quite a wee little and the delicacy of discussing the matter with a few friends who had the wherewithal saw me vacillate for a dangerously long while. Finally, I zeroed in on a friend, gathered myself and placed the overseas call. I disconnected impishly after a few rings, I was ashamed and too flummoxed. I did that exercise a few times and felt weak. A little later he called back and I did not answer the call. I was too timorous and infirm. He text-ed a message and it was apparently in consternation. ”Hey A, what is it? I saw a few calls from you, is everything OK? Call back, I feel unease.” That, in a way, smoothed my nerves and I placed the call again. When he picked up the call, I stammered that things were ok and I wanted to only ask him, if it was possible to loan me some money for a three month period. He asked me the amount and when I told him, he was not a wee bit hesitant, but in fact he was affirmative straight away and asked me to email him my bank id. He only told me that since he had no fund holding in India, he would appreciate if I can wire him back the same amount in USD when I decide to return the money. He in fact sounded concerned that I was in a kind of distress. Do I have to further describe the sigh I heaved?

Well, as matters began to tumble, things got worse in the succeeding days and all planned funds that were expected were stonewalled. My three month promise went by and naturally he began to feel exasperated and some of his emails and phone calls suggested between sentences that he was being prompted. I was quite upset and cautious at the same time that a friendship from toddler days should not be led into ruins. I was in fact stunned by the severity of his messages and his total lack of understanding (or was it disregard) of my impossible plight and predicament. I tried to think in his shoes. Well it is a delicate matter this relationship entwined with money!

Mercifully, the manna came from a source that I almost wrote off as bad and irrecoverable. When I wired him the funds, it was probably the only time I may have wanted to pray to some figure up in the skies.