Saturday, December 1, 2012

Confessions of A Confused Mind

I have disappointments, awkwardness that I want to cloak. I want to feel I’m not unabashed of my disappointments, which I think rise from my timidity and my inability to be decisive. I admit that I have always wanted life to take a different course, or to put it in another way- I wanted to tread a different path. But the lack of will and gumption made me what I’m and brought me to where I’m. And the real I, often feel peeved, more because of fear of what people would see and judge of me. I dislike and dread people judging me- weak in temperament and unless I gather to emit a rough exterior, display piggery and rudeness , the armour that I built subconsciously, will fall apart .I know this is sham and plain hypocrisy, but nevertheless allows me to feel  some security within its cocoon. But I worry someone audacious will call my bluff.

I agitate more at the helplessness fully conscious that anger and annoyance is all I can show as the smoke screen for my mental state. Flummoxed? But I will want to defiantly deny I’m confused and I’m in the wrong. It is true I ‘m disheveled and annoyed by everything around, even the bark of the stray dog on the street or its distant whining. I tremble with irritation and ire in the face of arguments. I want unchallenged compliance, but I’m annoyed at the disagreement shown by others- even by my wife! I can only see it as defiance . I feel total bitterness.Fairness, I feel can exist only when there is absence of arguments .

I have fantasies like everyone out there; I have lived a past that was rebellious and nonconforming. The excursion into rebellion was deviant and when persistently hounded by, first the solitude of childhood and then the pithy urge of adolescence and teen. But yet,later, I had to compromise and conform in many ways. I could not pursue the fascinations that tempted me. I dreamed to break the shackles and the garrote that bound me. But it was like an oubliette and exit was difficult. Yet,I dreamed-  the unending travels to distant lands, the nomadic sojourns in far off places, the eternal honey moon with my favourite writers through their books that I would devour till I cease to breathe.And most of all the serenading for her in lust that was boundless..

Between you and me let me say, I know that the timorous 'I' in me chose a life that was typically wedded to conventions.

 Ha She! I was her paramour and she could enslave me in her enchantment. I relished it and it was ecstatic. I enjoyed being pliable to her whims, her perversions, I loved the enslavement.  But I was too gutless to agree to her demand to cohabit with her and I was dependent on the doles from home. I dreaded that. She was incensed and cursed me, labeled me coward. I was, in a way! I was a coward and that I without me knowing was becoming a misogynist. I felt trampled upon by women dominated home and then out there she was forcing me to grovel, to accept her dictations. I was scared and out of that rose a general dislike, contempt, aversion to anything feminine, man or beast? I ran away from her. Sometimes I wish I had not. But her odour lingers!

Now strangely I find myself at a crossroad. And again the old fear of the morrow, the fear of what the ones back home, the world out there would think of me- lurks, taunting me and I fail to decide. I try in vain to blame it on the world, the system, my wife, my friends and even the stranger on the street. I again see me stumbling at the rope. I want to see the successful ones and among my friends as being too street smart for ethical comfort and appreciation. I feel comfort in seeing and imagining that their success is assisted by compromised social life; of embracing opportunistic way of life. I try to blame my pitfalls and my disappointments on a grossly unfair world. I feel I’m unfit for the society and its way of living. I experience like the odd one out. But I try to lay back and ostentate to myself, my successful tryst with fidelity   and my distancing from moral depravity as I suppose many are. I can staunchly claim to have scaled a peak in the character that many could not scale. But, I still feel annoyed and profane. That makes me angry. 

 People as I see are rude and baneful and they conspire and accuse me of being so. I detest unfavourable judgment in all opinions that are thrown at me and am alienated too; a non-agreement unbearable. I fret and fume that the conspiracy is absolute and I feel a loner. I would want to redefine blasphemy. Anything and anybody not conforming to my feelings, my thoughts, and my wish is blaspheming. I would not bate an eye if I have to lose relationships, I would like to believe so. .And like places that I have been and loved but managed to leave, should not be entrapping me. I fear sentiments, I love them too. They are mooring me anchored, I fear that would melt my armour and I do not have the temerity to accept so.

I fear the cassock that shields me will fall down; my glass cubicle will crumble.

I will fight back. Shouldn’t I? I’m not defeated .am I?
Or have I missed, not noticed the gift in hand- that I actually am blessed?


Happy Kitten said...

Oh! that was a stormy confession.. no comments :)

anilkurup said...

@ Happy Kitten

That was not my confession per se. It was just a thought that came after linking people and their character. Real time of course,

rudraprayaga said...

Highly descriptive.Nice.But anger and annoyance will cover one's caliber,Ifeel.

Insignia said...


I could see bits and pieces of me there. I am happy that there are people out there like me; I am not alone so not abnormal :)

B Pradeep Nair said...

Everyone, I am sure, will have their own such introspection and analyses. Most people wouldn't give expressions to them live you have done. Many others wouldn't even make all those linkages either. But I guess, it's just natural and there'sn't anything abnormal about it. After all, we all lead our own individual lives in our own way.

Kavita Saharia said...

Count your blessings:)

anilkurup said...

@ Rudraparayag

Yes true. It saps the energy.

@ Insignia,

Of course not. I do not see any traces of you as far as I understood you from your thoughts on the Blog.
But then we all have some aspects found raw and baneful. isn't it ?

@ B.Pradeep Nair,

Firstly thank you for coming to the Blog.
I was only trying to gather bits and pieces from lives of people I know, including myself and make a writing.
As you said it is the individuals choice.

@ Kavita,

The problem K, is that many do not count what they have in hand and how much blessed they are .They still mourn, fret, annoy, and is irritated that a casual gaze from the other is misunderstood and seen as defaming .

adithyasaravana said...

I appreciate the plain-speak..
All out there are hypocrites, the degree varies..
Human mind works in inconceivable ways..
When you tell that it is a mix up of thoughts whom you have seen and probably your own introspections, well I do see many stories confessed to me and of course my own..
Let us be less judgmental, our own life is too important for us and let the way we live satisfy our own whims, however revolting it may be for an observer..
' Primum non Nocere ' is what taught in medical schools..
If our percieved notions doesn't harm others, the better.
But, is it contradictory to what I wrote from the beginning of the reply?
Maybe we all try to make a balancing act to feed our ego while at the same time doing less harm
I hope I don't sound much contemptuous in suggesting..

anilkurup said...

@ Adityasaravanan,

Thank you for a candid comment. Certainly no ill feeling or offence for the plain speak. I agree with your points. We all in different ways try to put an act of sorts , cloak us don't we?

....Petty Witter said...

Such an honest and thoughtful post and one I'm sure many can relate to- I know I do. Such an insightful man, I believe you wear your heart on your sleeve.

anilkurup said...

@ Petty Witter,

Please allow me to say that you are not absolutely correct about your comment on," I believe you wear your heart on your sleeve".

There is always an element of superficiality in our thoughts , only that it varies from man to man. I try to lessen its depth that is all. Often I succeed, often I let it be.

Thank you for the comment

NRIGirl said...

Last night just as I was about to comment I had to get off the bus. Interestingly my blackberry had stayed on the page and so here I am...

I really did like the post as we can all relate to most of what you have shared. What if we had chosen the other path is an interesting scenario that will linger long.

However there is no doubt in my mind what we have got is the best that could have happend to us.

I am sure you would say so too!

anilkurup said...

@ NRIGirl,

I tried to picture traits from people I know ( may have included bits of self too) but I tried to be careful not to be explicit as the protagonists who may identify with it more may be annoyed and incensed.

Cribbing will take us to nowhere.