Monday, July 15, 2013

Of Husbands & Wives

I do not mean this for myself. But just musing over wives whom I have known, mine and that of my friends and others; their life’s with their spouses. I do agree that by the same token a woman who may read this can also compare from the other side too.

I have a colleague who I have often noticed speaking to his wife back at home over the phone in an impatient and rude tone. Though I resisted eaves dropping, I have sometimes exercised a bit to overhear his conversation on the phone and I have noticed in the distant unremitting voice over the phone that she does not care to listen to him, but keeps talking when he at this end is violent in tone and asks her to first listen before chattering. Yes, this may be one sided judgment, but what often struck me was his rudeness on the phone and his impatience when talking to her. I have not noticed this when he, for instance talks to his parents. He is not too keen to often go back home either. The bottom line that cannot be ignored is that he married her after a courtship.

A close friend is often blushing when his wife opens out on the arguments and battles that comes about in their midst. The apparent traces of philandering he indulges in. She even hilariously narrated one instance and went on to talk about an argument they had one evening over his wanting to go out to the club for a drink and she suggesting he do it at home and they can be together. He refuses and she proposes an option that she will go with him and gulp down a few drinks too (she is a teetotaler). The situation flares as he stays adamant. She locks the house from within so that he cannot venture out and consigns the key to place where he could not find. He is upset and locks himself in the bedroom and goes to sleep. He later finds her drunk and cuddled up in the sofa in the living room after vexedly polishing off a few glasses of his favourite single malt.  They had an inflamed romance before tying the knot and it is twenty five years since.

There are some who are malleable and often one might wonder if it is not a tad deigned. In some case the act becomes more of a rule and demand than an exception. Puppets on a string? Equally remarkable are the specious husbands; the ingratiating ones. Not necessarily would the wife be a termagant, but they love their act. Perhaps often matter of adaptation?

I wonder where I stand. Fortunately though it has been a life a bit quarrelsome, dissenting and not so pluperfect, it has also been pluperfect as relationships like say, with friends can be .Perhaps, as exasperating, affectionate and forgiving as say even sibs would be. “Touch wood!” I hope C would agree.
I would tell this to a person who I know and is by blood related to me. It may be rude to say that he is timorous and callow at forty. That is a pity but is the fact. Romantic blissfulness during the brief dating they had after they chanced to meet in a temple probably was not enough to unveil their selves. Perhaps they were too aware and conscious to let go the armour they held over them. The enigma of the passionate times as always vanished soon and reality knocked on the door. The bitter side of them or either one of them was blown open. And the incompatibility was felt as she claims, by her. She alleges that he may not have felt the difference as he was obsessed with himself- a “narcissist” in her words. Isn’t it true that while you are dating you pretend to be someone else? They both may have .

He is certainly distressed, but she is unheeding and often one feels the woman is inexorable. Well what can one say unto him, but to tell her, “Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."


Happy Kitten said...

Fights, disagreements nd respect for each other's opinion makes an okay marriage. I m sure there r no perfect marriages :)

SuKupedia ™ :) :) said...

I agree that while dating people are on a different tangent than when they are married.. but the truth is that marriage requires a smooth integration of both the worlds..rules and regulations are not a solution.. but the integration should be based on peace, listening, talking and wanting the same goal in a family life... I call it committement... a thought provoking post :)

adithyasaravana said...

Man and woman have different mental design. If not for the sensual desires, they make up for bad friends. Like oiling the wheel , both have to ease out their differences in a constant basis..when some couple tell that their 's is perfect and that they don't fight., I advice them to talk out their differences. It is painful if someone voices out long after marriage..I know of people who physically fight with each other , but put a comely behavior outside.

rudraprayaga said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rudraprayaga said...

n the olden times the males enthroned themselves as kings in the family-kingdom whereas the wife was an obedient servant fulfilling all needs of the former.But now the lingual and fiscal power dominate in the bond.Adjustments and adaptation many a time are driven away from the family.

Usha Menon said...

Marriage is a sort of adjustment between two individuals.In every marriage there are differences of opinion . No two individuals are alike. Therefore there can be no standard formula for success. We have been married for 54 years and I can frankly say that we never had any quarrels. Only minor arguments.

rama said...

Perfect marriage is just a dream. In the beginning everything seems to be perfect, like a new car, but like any other things if we don't take care of our marriage it is bound to slide down.
However, I do feel if we took good care of it , it would last till death do us part. It needs constant servicing just like a car.
It is in our hands, how we keep the things we like, nobody can do it for us.

BK Chowla, said...

Most successful marriages are the ones where both have gracefully made adjustments.

NRIGirl said...

All the times I have felt "unloved" in our marriage is only when I didn't love him enough. The other times when I feel much loved is when I love him much.

It is "I" who makes it or breaks it. It won't be nice to blame it on him.

Same is true for happiness. It is us who determine if we are happy or sad - not any external forces, including our spouses...

Insignia said...

:) Sleep over the fight and disagreements :) Well, it can't be perfect all times and good to accept it

anilkurup said...

@ Happy Kitten,
@Usha Menon
@ NRIGirl
@ Insignia
Thank you all for the comments.
NRIG's observation is worth thinking about.Indeed as most of you agree marriages are not perfect, it is how much we work to make it better.

@ Sukupedia,

Thank you for coming here and commenting.
I do agree with what you said it is all matter of striving. Hope to see you often commenting

Ashwini C N said...

Very nice post. Yes, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. There is no such thing as a perfect couple. Everyone has to adjust and accommodate the other person in our life without consciously having to deal with the differences.