Friday, May 27, 2011

The Counsel

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself”, - so said Oscar Wide.

Isn’t it quite true? How often have we been advised, eloquently and  with the imperiousness of wisdom but annoying to receive? I often wonder if it is not easy to offer advice and suggestions on matters of life rather than to apply in our lives the silver-tongued regurgitation that we give.
I have often been forced to delve into all repository of patience when people intervene with corrective suggestions and how one should conduct in certain situations and matters. Which, knowing them is quite obvious will not be applied in their lives.There may be ideal ways ,but they may not always be ideal to be applied ipso facto.

Receiving advice, suggestions and pieces of wisdom are quite wonderful matter, but the provider of such advice is not the master, the bearer of the situation that one is in. It is one thing to articulate criticism in the way a person walks, but entirely a different matter to shove one’s leg into the others footwear and then enact a perfect "cat walk’’ in life.

This does not mean that perse, advises are to considered anathema. I feel it should be left to one’s judgment and acumen to discern, to sieve the supposed wisdom that is offered and apply what is wanted.

But the annoying part is that advises are often given unsolicited and without any personal experience or knowledge of the situation, the state a person is in ,or is helplessly left to tend all by oneself. And the hardest species who descend in such situations are the ones who believe they have the antidote for all and every matters in life.

Until a few years ago, there was absolutely no interpersonal connection between members of my paternal family and myself, my sister and mother. In fact they lived deluding themselves, that we never existed and that fabulous reign of opportunism ran for a quarter century and little more. It was a few years ago that one of my cousins whom I met the last when I was little alighted from no where one morning and eulogised my mother and fervently inquired about our well being.

 Conveniently for him and the rest of the folks it was sunshine days for me, my sister and mother. During the years of hibernation of my paternal folks, there was a lot of pressure personally on me from others in the form advises that we should not bear hurt and animus for their indifference and they were the brothers , sisters, nephews and nieces of my father. There was considerable pressure (let me call it, advise) from these “Samaritans” to engage my paternal folks in the wedding of my sister. I put my foot down that it was unnecessary. And that we really did not miss them all the years we were not existent from their point of view. I was categorised as arrogant and impertinent. So be it! My logic was simple, and that sunshine day relationships are rather done without. And I did not notice us missing something vital in life.

The past story is now repeating and has visited us (I, C and our children) from another angle. And I still hold the view that, sunshine day companions are always not welcome, even be it the Sultan of Brunei himself.

It gives one the much  needed vitality!


Mélange said...

Perhaps the painful truth of life,you have converted into few paragraphs..Still we speak lot about the 'value' of relatives even if it's for name sake.The difference I found here is the statement: "I put my foot down that it was unnecessary. And that we really did not miss them all the years we were not existent from their point of view'.
Honestly this is what we need.Being true to ourselves.

Shilpa Garg said...

Agree completely!
So, the rule for the advisers should be : Be chary of giving advise, wise don't need it and fools don't heed it!
And for the recipients : Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. :)

Insignia said...

Spare the Sultan of Brunei :-P

Advice are meant to be given...not taken :) I can relate to you; thats why I am wary of relatives who can give free loads of advices and complaints.

But being firm and doing what you feel is right matters. Chuck others! Why even care!

Balachandran V said...

Relatives! They have been the death of me!
But before generalizing I would advise (oops!) to see if there are examples to the contrary. I know a few. Extended families which retain the warmth, love and intimacy as that of - our friends, maybe? The fact that you and I and someone else have had bitter experience with relatives need not be true for all.

Taking life with a pinch of tolerance... or indifference is better than letting the anger corrode oneself...

anilkurup said...

@ Melange,

The few experiences noted here as examples are only incidental. The subject is unsolicited advises and advises that comes with the imperiousness of "know all". And whether the person who reels out such counsel will actually apply them in his life.

@ Shilpa Garg,

Yes we are with the front row view of our life.

@ Insignia,

B I afraid that I did not really mean to thrust into discussion the duplicity of relatives.Inadvertently it has come so.
From what I have seen, there are many who talk philosophically , and ideally quoting everything and suggest that we have to agree to their point. But seldom apply in their life what they exhort.

@ Balan

“Tolerance”, I understand that word in the context of accepting a person’s right to air his views express his opinions, live his life, even if we detest that, and even if it runs contrary to our opinion. And not be like a party pooper or feel peeved by the others observation. Certainly not to consider the other a sort of non grata or a pariah for a dissenting view. Foremost this does not apply to murderers, rapists, thieves and robbers.
Corrosion, anger? That state is misplaced here. Being opposed to insolence is not plummeting into a state of corrosion. And expressing disapproval is not anger.
I have not generalised here. The topic I discussed was the validity of the supposedly sagacious comments and advices. And how people have a penchant to comment and advice on matters regarding a person of whose state one is not fully aware or doesn’t understand. The subject of relatives was only incidental examples.
And certainly, I also have known groups and families who radiate much warmth and affection amongst their clan. They are exceptions to the rule.
The bottom line is to look within and check if we are different- “if we take life with a pinch of tolerance and or indifference...”. Or are we only pontificating? It is very comfortable to pontificate. isn’t it ?

kavita said...

I understand .

kavita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anilkurup said...

@ Kavita,


Happy Kitten said...

Our relatives are ours by chance, but we can choose our friends.
Delille, Jacques

The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
Tacitus, Publius Cornelius

One needs a good mantra to handle relatives.. nd finally when everything fails we may take solace in GB Shaw's words..

When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. But when they are away, we console ourselves for their absence by dwelling on their vices.

And if you can imagine the same thought process happening in your relative's mind too then all is well. :)

anilkurup said...

@happy kitten,

I take your advise in and letter and spirit.G.B.Shaw at his sharp witted and best!