Saturday, October 8, 2011


A friend feels that perhaps what he sees as my intemperate reactions these days is because of my state of mind. Coming from a good friend the comment cannot be dismissed as insensible or not true and I indulged in self analysis and introspection. Though he was the only fellow to make this fantastic judgment! But I had to be discreet; tread with care, not to be biased about myself if I might suddenly notice my not so exemplary quality as he sniffed. I must be cautious that I do not go forward with the sole aim of rubbishing his/her observation. I must be sure to be diacritical.

It is a funny game this social living. I’m certain primates too may be having all the advantages and difficulties of gregarious living. It is funny when we sit back and rewind, sensitive indeed is this art of “communicating”. Unlike what Bindu mentioned in her comment in her Blog post, it is just not in business matters alone that communication can be important. Even in mundane affairs, among spouses, parent and children, between friends, with acquaintances, the stranger on the road-with everybody it matters.  A pause or a comma, a colon or silence, all might be construed as meaning something different than intended and diametrically opposite too.

Once a person opined that if someone calls you ‘monkey’, wisely there should not be any recrimination or reaction even. He said such name calling would not make one so. It certainly will should one react angrily at such an act.

 Yes indeed, the mental plight plays a great deal in affairs of a person and the way he conducts himself. Am I petulant? Do I throw my peevishness, my stress, my disturbed mental or physical state upon an unassuming person?

Yes I have done so. I have picked up quarrel and raised voices with frustration than anger, well that was mostly with C. In the office I have sometimes got quickly provoked at the slightest pitfall in a person. I have thrown files back at the person. These were, call it temperamental reactions to certain event or person over whom I could not exercise control .I guess this most of us do. We pick up some one manoeuvrable to vent our pent up helplessness.  And often that will be our spouse.

It was long ago may be in the early years of our married life, I picked up few din with C. Reason I really do not remember. But I suppose that the villain of the piece must have been me. One was a verbal confrontation of sorts and I guess I was quite pissed out with C’s callous attitude at my excitement that out of annoyance I picked up the decoction of coffee and poured on her head. She looked the victim of a prankster on holi. Yet another time we were arguing on something and again I was annoyed at her retorts or indifference that I threw the plate of omelets to the far corner of the room. It rang through immediately all over my nerves that I did something horrendous with food. I remember aplogising to her, picked up the platter and ate in remorse over my action. Sulk, I did!

Have I abused someone because of my failures or mental state?  Certainly no. In fact throwing the anguish of one’s meekness at home, error of judgments and repercussions in professional or personal matters on someone has not been my conspicuous attribute. There are many who do that and are an incorrigible lot.
What transpires in my mind of my travails in life has been my sole companion as my shadow itself. And I do not think that even C or the children have thought of leaning over to see what  goes through in my mind. More often it has been a lonely haul in abasement, except that, there were a few close ones who spied out in anguish that devastation shows out. This has been the matter in affairs thick and thin.

Then how the hell is this fascinating discovery that my words and deeds reflect my travails and perils? It is easy to be in judgment, I suppose. And it will be wise to not react when one is called a primate or an ass for example, because if one is sure, it is silly to retort on something that is silly and untrue .Let the Troubadour sing in praise of what I’m not.


Insignia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Insignia said...

I think I know which 'friend' you are referring to.

Yeah, a word, a punctuation, the tone all that could make a drastic difference to what was intended.

If it were with your close friends, with your people, your folks; then you can be apologetic and hope things will get back to normal. Thats kinda tough in professional arena where we are bound by codes of personal conduct and business conduct.

You mentioned of an incident where you poured coffee on your wife's head. I am sure you guys made up later. If that were in an office; unless you own the company; you cant get away with it.

So does it mean we take our folks for granted? Hell!! yes. Sad but yes; we do take them granted. Thats ok; we need not be prim and proper everywhere. Chill :)

NRIGirl said...

If she/he is a true friend, the friendship could withstand the misplaced punctuation marks or even the overthrown omelette.

On the other hand if they were to hang on to it, that's their call and we can't do much about it.

Any case you owe a big hug and the 'n'th sorry to C the next time!

I had written in similar lines titled Lost in translation you may check it out at leisure...

KParthasarathi said...

Let me at the outset express my admiration for the wonderful writing.I was lost in the beauty of the writing ,that the content was missed in the initial reading.I had to read again for getting the message.

I strongly believe in the dictum

satyam bruyat priyam bruyat na bruyat satyam apriyam
priyam ca nanrutam bruyat esha dharmah sanatanah

Speak truth in such a way that it should be pleasing to others. Never speak truth, which is unpleasant to others. Never speak untruth, which might be pleasant. This is the path of eternal morality, sanatana dharma

The stress is on priyam or hitam.
It is in telling pleasantly even if provoked.Anger, I have seen in my four score years has never fetched any result except bruised relationships and missed opportunities..

Juxtaposition said...

I just feel sad that throwing coffee over the wife and throwing the omelet plate, is treated with not much importance here. For example, would you keep quiet and take it if C had done these things to you. Would you accept that these frustrations are because of WORK or WHATEVER. From one temperamental person to another, the art of meditation helps. The other thing that works is "CLICK IGNORE". Things that matter are relationships and feelings and absolutely nothing else. Need to be careful with these.

anilkurup said...

@ Insignia,

Ummm you are quite privy much now, because of the blog.

See the two instances on the domestic front , never became an issue for either of us. In fact we both saw the matter lightly and as fun. In fact the la' affaire coffee was no affaire at all to us.And the matter is narrated in jest even now. Why I mentioned this was the provocation was more than external was C's casually irritating demeanour , I guess. She was deftly fanning my helplessness.
The point I wanted to highlight was what ever may the travails and laundry that we bring from outside gets dumped at home. I have not thrown that on a friend or an outsider.

@ NRIGirl,

These matters are still reminisced by us ( I and C) in jest.
It is only when we see that the other has seen through our fa├žade or demeanour that we get provoked and rude; shout from roof top that we are pilloried unjustly.
As I mentioned why fret if some calls you names if you know that the names make no bearing on your self?

I will certainly see your post.

@ KParthasarathi,

Thank you for the appreciation. Just a whiff of dust , I do not see myself much.
You are right anger brings forth more of the kind and nothing better.
To speak truth in a way that dose not hurt- well truth is glaring that the slightest pinch of it may provoke anger. don't you think so. The fact that is missed out here I feel is the argumentative tradition. There is no room for discussion , debate and arguments. That is quite a misfortune, friend or foe, parent or child , husband or wife!

@ Juxtaposition,

Click ignore. Yes indeed in a way yes. But I guess if a point is raised by a close companion rather prod it why? than ignore it wholesale.
Well my opinion and may be wrong in another persons outlook. So do as one wish, but do it with no harm to the other and self. Don't you think so?

Certainly,in my case I do give much points to C for putting up.We have only been distressed about the other because of a solitary matter and that was cunningly fanned by some one close to her and, me by wedlock. And the tremors we experience even now is because of the person and the retinue.

Happy Kitten said...

Hope everything is fine now.....

I think we become the real person with our spouse more often than others... but then who else will put up with our moods :).. not your neighbour or your colleague... even a friend can be hurt and find no means to heal the hurt.

anilkurup said...

@ Happy Kitten,

Well you are right.
Some throw their laundry from home and elsewhere ,outside on others . If I vent I prefer to to vent my frustrations at home , certainly not sending plates flying but by releasing the heat to the ones who love us for what we are.
I do not think I would do that on an unassuming stranger or a third person.